Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Dr. Jekyl and Baby Lu

On any given morning, Lu wakes up happy and smiling.

But if I put her in an adorable dress, she starts to get suspicious. "We're going somewhere, aren't we?" she asks, tears welling up in her eyes, "Somewhere that has people." I tell her yes, that we're going to a playdate for her and the other babies who are turning one.

"No! No!" she screams. "You know how I feel about crowds! All those smiling mothers and drooling babies! Put your purse down! Let's stay home! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

"I am not pleased. You could at least bring me a martini and a valium to take the edge off."

"Well, fine. I'll just sleep then. I'd like your word that when I wake up, we'll be home, thank you very much."

"What? We're still here? What did I tell you about when I woke up? Take me home!"

"Help! This person is attacking me! How dare you stand by and just watch! No, wait, that's good, take photos! I may need them later if I decide to sue!"

"Help me!"

"Hello, babies. After this I'm out of here. So look and the camera and let's get this over with."

And five minutes after we got home:

Thursday, June 14, 2007

God let us out of hell and into purgatory

Purgatory is sooooo much better than hell. In hell, I was woken up every five minutes throughout the night. Each time I would be just about to doze off, loud demon shrieking would slap me upside the head. In purgatory, I get actual two-hour blocks of sleep throughout the night, and only one session of uncontrollable crying until teething tablets have done their magic. In hell, coffee made me feel like a crackhead and I cried when I walked into my messy living room. In purgatory, coffee works like a charm and I actually clean the messy living room instead of feeling victimized by it.

Amazingly, the whole time I was in hell, Talula pretended like nothing weird was going on. While it was daytime, that is. Nighttime was a different story. But isn't that how all creatures of darkness work? Vampires, werewolves, babies. Unfettered by nighttime, Talula made the cat her daytime victim.

She was also undeterred from maximum enjoyment of Teletubbies.

She did not, however, appreciate any of my attempts to joke with her during these trying times. I was like, "Knock, knock."

And she was like, "Who's there?"

And I was all, "Banana."

She looked at me, all skeptical, and was like, "Banana who?"

I said, "Knock, knock."

Confused, she's all, "Who's there?"

And I'm all, "Banana!"

And she's like, "Banana who?"

And I laugh knowingly to myself, saying, "Knock, knock."

And she's getting pissed, like, "WHO'S THERE???"

So I say, "Orange."

And she's thinking, WTF? "Orange who?"

And I'm all, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana again!?"

And she's like, "You're not my real mom! I hate you! Your jokes are dumb!"


Tania has been doing one of the three things that her stereotypical white girl mother cannot do. She's been hula hooping. I also can't dance or jump.

And she's been building little villages around the house. See the bridge? Her main characters live just outside the town so they don't have to mix with the common folk. And that basket behind her is a church. She said everyone lays on the ground and prays for two hours a day, but that they don't force others to pray or go to church. I don't know where she's getting this from. We're borderline atheists.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Teeth are torturing us the sleep deprivation way

And we're about to confess everything. Send help.

Lu has decided that she needs to hold on to this bear to feel okay about life. She needs him when she sleeps. Sometimes, she'll wake up crying in the middle of the night until I get him for her.

She needs him when she nurses. Sometimes she likes to whack me in the head with him while she nurses. It's humiliating.

Since she found Mr. Bear, she's decided that she hates her baby doll. To demonstrate her hatred in a convincing way, she likes to sit on her and beat her in the head with a red ball. Don't be fooled by Lu's sweet face. She's got a sinister side to her.

She plays sweet and coy and innocent very well, oh yes.

And then all of sudden, she's like, "Psht! That's ridiculous! Do you take me for some kind of fool?"

Yeah, watch out for her.

SO yesterday, Mama made a couple of pillowcase dresses. Here's one of them. This is Lu's tortured supermodel pose. Notice the tear under her eye. She's so tired of being just another pretty face. She's thinking of starting her own line of beauty products or yoga gear to prove that she's also quite business savvy.

Yeah, it's been a boring week.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

So much socializing...no wonder I got mastitis.

I don't mean to pour salt on an old wound here with this photo, but it's a cute one. The toy in Talula's mouth was lost later that day, and it was a favorite of her boyfriend's mom, who may or may not be reading this blog. And well, it was pretty much my fault that it was lost, because when said boyfriend dropped the toy on the walk home, said boyfriend's mom wisely tried to put it away, but yours truly suggested that he might still want it. She hesitated, then ignored her own good judgment and gave the boy his toy. Moments later...no toy. I swear to replace the toy. I swear it.

Tania is actually doing a free-form flip here and I photoshopped the bar in for safety reasons. I didn't want anyone else's kid to see this and think that they can pull ninja moves too. Liability issues, ugh.

We went to the Portland Mothering Dot Commune picnic on Saturday. It was fun, fun, fun, everybody agrees. And yes, I meet my friends online. It's better than real life, because you can decide whether or not you like someone before actually meeting them. None of these 'getting to know you' shenanigans. I should have started this in my teens. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. Unless, of course, I met one of those teenagers online who is actually a 56-year-old plumber named Carl who wants to meet me at "Mickey D's" for a "Coke or a sundae."

Anywayyy, here Talula is, stealing her boyfriend's toy, and then looking at me to help her when he sticks up for himself and tries to get his dang toy back. Sheesh. Women.

But look at how he really knows how to talk to a lady. She's all trying to play coy, but you can totally tell that she's interested. I mean, who wouldn't be with the hat and the necklace with the no shirt...damn...

And trying to get in good with the mom? Nice move buddy. We'll talk dowry later.

On Sunday, we went to Krueger's Farm on Sauvie Island to pick strawberries. We went with a group of lovely friends who didn't make it into any of our photos. We didn't make it into any of theirs either though.

Off topic, but I saw this handsome man there. I just had to take his photo. Oh my God, he's hot.

I think he brought this adorable girl with him.

So, when I took this photo, I was like, "Come on, Tania. Open your eyes and smile." And she was all, "Mom, the sun is in my eyes." And I was like, "Oh, come on!" thinking she was being so dramatic, "Okay, okay, I'll put my shadow over your face. Geez."

And then? Oh, is that the sun that you're talking about? Wow, it's pretty bright.

Later, Talula stole her friend's sippy cup. She was so pleased with herself. Let's hope this doesn't lead to a lifetime of petty theft. As someone who is half-pirate, I would be displeased with anything less than grand piracy.

Tania climbed a tree, which is my favorite thing that kids do.

And oh my God. There's that handsome man again. How's my hair?

We picked six pounds of strawberries. They're still sitting in my refrigerator thinking about what they want to become. Some of them will become a smoothie this morning. Some of them will become some jam for Tania.

That is, unless this little monkey doesn't eat them all first.

She a sneaky one, that gal. With strawberry juice all over her, she knows Mama ain't letting her go in the house yet. But she looks to her right.

Then looks to her left, smiling and making cute faces all the time, so as to distract me.

And then she goes for the door, but ha! I catch her. Because her ninja training is not yet complete, but mine is.

She gets hosed off, but she's not going down without a fight. She'll eat that spray nozzle just off principle.