Thursday, June 14, 2007

God let us out of hell and into purgatory

Purgatory is sooooo much better than hell. In hell, I was woken up every five minutes throughout the night. Each time I would be just about to doze off, loud demon shrieking would slap me upside the head. In purgatory, I get actual two-hour blocks of sleep throughout the night, and only one session of uncontrollable crying until teething tablets have done their magic. In hell, coffee made me feel like a crackhead and I cried when I walked into my messy living room. In purgatory, coffee works like a charm and I actually clean the messy living room instead of feeling victimized by it.

Amazingly, the whole time I was in hell, Talula pretended like nothing weird was going on. While it was daytime, that is. Nighttime was a different story. But isn't that how all creatures of darkness work? Vampires, werewolves, babies. Unfettered by nighttime, Talula made the cat her daytime victim.

She was also undeterred from maximum enjoyment of Teletubbies.

She did not, however, appreciate any of my attempts to joke with her during these trying times. I was like, "Knock, knock."

And she was like, "Who's there?"

And I was all, "Banana."

She looked at me, all skeptical, and was like, "Banana who?"

I said, "Knock, knock."

Confused, she's all, "Who's there?"

And I'm all, "Banana!"

And she's like, "Banana who?"

And I laugh knowingly to myself, saying, "Knock, knock."

And she's getting pissed, like, "WHO'S THERE???"

So I say, "Orange."

And she's thinking, WTF? "Orange who?"

And I'm all, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana again!?"

And she's like, "You're not my real mom! I hate you! Your jokes are dumb!"


Tania has been doing one of the three things that her stereotypical white girl mother cannot do. She's been hula hooping. I also can't dance or jump.

And she's been building little villages around the house. See the bridge? Her main characters live just outside the town so they don't have to mix with the common folk. And that basket behind her is a church. She said everyone lays on the ground and prays for two hours a day, but that they don't force others to pray or go to church. I don't know where she's getting this from. We're borderline atheists.


A said...

I can't hula hoop either. I used to be able to- I think that ability goes away if not used regularly.


whimsigal said...

So I found your blog through and have spent the last little while reading through it. After doing so, I felt compelled to tell you that you are a laugh riot and boy, did I enjoy reading your blog! Your children are totally adorable and the way you caption your photos is priceless.


Jes said...

Your Lu stories crack me up.

Korin said...

YOu are so freaking funny. Oh god. allah in heaven you are funny. I'm glad Tania is learning about the lard. Praise the lard. Praise him.

Jenni said...

YEAH for purgatory!

and for coffee that works ;)

I can hula hoop... it's one of my hidden super powers... and always impresses people at family gatherings... or at least it did... I wonder if I still have that skill... it's been ages...

Bear said...

You crack me up somethin fierce, woman! And oh how I love your girls.

Lee said...

You and Korin both crack me up!! LOVE the funny banana faces Lu is making!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for the hilarious stories, Candice.
They're much appreciated!

Jen said...

I love the Teletubbies video, she looks like she loves them. The first time Charlie watched that show, which I believe was a 3 am teething bout, he got startled when they jumped out of the ground, it was hilarious!

erikaleina said...

God, Tania looks so cute! Remember how you said I should just adopt an older child? I know you love her and everything, but if you get sick of her or anything. . . .